Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Randomize
