I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
