Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
