Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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