why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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