just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
