Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
