I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i think i have herpe
just one?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
