If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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