Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
