i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
