well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
