It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
