fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
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