giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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