i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
