He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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