i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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