I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
