i used baking grease as lip gloss
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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