when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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