Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
My pussy is not your playground.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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