If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
