Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
