i was born a porn star she said
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
