well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
