im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
