the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
