Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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