I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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