How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
