i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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