I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
So apparently I’m into choking now
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