Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
