franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
