Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
