i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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