Dude my mom stole all your condoms
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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