I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
