I hate your face
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
