she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
