Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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