You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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