I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
