im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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