Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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