If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
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She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
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Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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