omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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