Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
