I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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