Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You ate ashes out of my bong
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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