You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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