i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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