I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
