Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
