i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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