what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
