Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
